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Jealousy – the green-eyed monster

Jealousy can destroy a relationship. It is a destructive, negative force. A feeling that can gnaw at you – and at your relationship. But it’s a very human emotion, and one that has even been observed in infants as young as five months.

Perhaps you’re the jealous type, or perhaps your partner is getting jealous over some of your totally innocent actions. And when we’re talking about jealousy in the context of romantic relationships, we’re usually talking about unfounded jealousy.

Kris, a 33-year-old from Florida, has a long association with the green-eyed monster. “It’s something my parents saw in me when I was a kid – I had such a rivalry with my sister, who is four years younger than me. Once she came along, I somehow thought I had to compete for mom and dad’s love. I was insecure and that insecurity has spilled into my adult relationships. My parents were the best anyone could hope for and I look back and see they did everything possible to make me feel loved and secure and not feel threatened by my sister’s arrival. And now my boyfriend does everything he can to make me feel loved and secure in our relationship, but if I see him so much as talking to an attractive women, once we get home I’ll let it fly like World War III.”

Insecurity, lack of confidence and fear are the breeding grounds of jealousy. A dash of jealousy is normal in a relationship, it’s when it gets out of hand that trouble starts. But an article in Psychology Today by A.M. Pines and C.F. Bowes suggests that it can be a cue for greater growth in a relationship: “By acknowledging the signals of romantic jealousy, by understanding what feelings are typical and irregular, and by analyzing the roots of our jealous notions, we can in effect learn to deal with it by altering our conduct. Believe it or not, like other difficult emotive experiences, jealousy can be an initiation for growth, expanded self-awareness, and a better interpretation of your relationship.”

Anthropologists tell us that jealousy varies from culture to culture, while some evolutionary psychologists think it’s related to the biological need to maximize our genes’ success – that jealousy evolved, in men anyway, so that they could recognize betrayal and not wind up raising another man’s child.

European researchers from the Universities of Groningen and the Valencia found that jealousy is related to – wait for it – height. “Men, who commonly felt most anxious about appealing, rich and strong competitors, were more and more relaxed, the taller they were themselves. Females, however, were most jealous of other people’s beauty and influence.”

It’s as if the researchers identified something we all instinctively know – that jealousy grows from insecurity and fear. So whether it’s you or your partner that’s hanging out with the green-eyed monster, at least you now know some of the foundations that create jealousy.

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